Timmy and Tina were sitting down to eat their supper with the baby sitter when 6 year old Timmy saw the baby sitter sit down in his father's seat.
"You can't sit in my father's seat!" Timmy exclaimed.
"Your father is not home," the baby sitter replied, matter-of-factly. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."
Tina, the 4 year old, quickly replied, "If you're the boss, you have to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Gotta love those senior citizens!
Santa: Whom you like more mama or papa?
Pappu: Both...
Santa: No tell me one..??
Pappu: Both.
Santa: If I go to America & your mother goes to Paris where will you go??
Pappu: Paris.
Santa: It means you like your mother??
Pappu: No, because Paris is beautiful than America...
Santa: If I go to Paris & your mother goes to America so where will you go??
Pappu: America!
Santa: Why?
Pappu: Paris toh ghoom aaye na papa.
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a Ruppe coin.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's balls and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
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"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."
A lady died this past January, and ICICI Bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been Rs.0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around Rs.6000.00. A family member placed a call to ICICI Bank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
ICICI Bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. '
ICICI Bank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
ICICI Bank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
ICICI Bank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
ICICI Bank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a Rs.0 balance.'
ICICI Bank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
ICICI Bank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
ICICI Bank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they got the fax :
ICICI Bank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
ICICI Bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
ICICI Bank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Avinashi, Coimbatore
ICICI Bank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife," second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job."
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved."
Israelis invented a machine that catches thieves;
they took it out to different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 30 thieves;
In UK, in 30 minutes it caught 50 thieves;
In Spain, in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves;
In Ghana, in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves;
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In India, in 15 minutes the machine was stolen !!!!!!!!!
(with Government connivance.)
An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street. His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college. She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address.
That morning, one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.
Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."
In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but off course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.
"Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"
"Sure, dad," said the boy.
A Russian visiting India goes for an eye check up
The Eye Doctor shows the letters 'CZWXNQSTACZ' to the Russian.
Doctor:-Can you read this?
Russian:- Read? I even know the guy!
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.
She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"
A man died and went up to heaven where he was greeted by St. Peter.
"And who are you?" asked St. Peter.
"My name is Steven Richards."
"And what did you do for a living?" asked St. Peter.
"I was unemployed."
"Unemployed, hmmm?" mused St. Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"
"As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off his hair, kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."
"That's highly commendable," said St. Peter flicking through the man's file, "but I can't see any report of this incident. When did it happen?"
"About five minutes ago."
Eileen and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to John and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.
"Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Jimmy," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
On a desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman;
2 German men and 1 German woman;
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman;
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman;
2 American men and 1 American woman;
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman;
One month later on the same island...
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are depressed because the American woman complains about her body, the nature of feminism, that the water tastes bad, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least it isn't raining on the island.
The two Indian men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
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Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
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New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
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Why is sex like shaving ? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
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Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster? A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
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Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right? A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
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Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN? A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it's SHOWTIME!!!
Ruth took her boyfriend Bernie home to meet her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Bloom.
"What do you do for a living?" asked Mr. Bloom.
"I own some property," replied Bernie.
"Some property!" exclaimed Ruth. "He owns a chain of fast-rising retail stores."
"And where do you live?" asked Mrs. Bloom.
"I've got an apartment in town."
"An apartment!" cried Ruth. "He has a luxury apartment in the most sought-after block in Manhattan."
"And what are your prospects?" inquired Mr. Bloom.
"I'm hoping to expand!" said Bernie.
"Expand!" interrupted Ruth. "He's planning to buy Bloomingdale's!"
Just then Bernie sneezed.
"Have you got a cold?" asked Mrs. Bloom.
"A cold?" shrieked Ruth. "Bernie's got pneumonia!"
A working girl posted in facebook:
Yesterday after my presentation boss appreciated me a lot and asked me any gift i want. I told him i want an I-phone.
He then said- "sure baby but for that you have to spend one night with me"
these bloody sons of bitches horny bastards men!!! they will never change...
Updated via iphone
Santa came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Banta, and told him of his adventures.
"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.
"The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.
As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."
"Wow! That's some sorry," said Banta. "If I'd been in that situation, I would have shit my pants."
"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too
A family is driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
Banta feared his wife Preeto wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, Preeto is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Banta was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let"s see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
No response.
Banta moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from Preeto and repeats, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Preeto and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
For God's sake, Banta ji, for the FIFTH time, "BIRYANI!"
Phone rings...
Girl: Hello.
Guy: My love how are you doing?
Girl: Am fine.
Guy: Will you be free during the weekend, you come to my house?
Girl: Am sorry, I can't make it because I will be attending my aunt's wedding and the next day I'l be busy, I'm so occupied.
Guy: Oh! Ok, was just planning to take you out for shopping, surprise you with an iPhone5, then buy you a new dress and the brazzilian hair you've been asking for...
Girl: I will be coming and I may even spend the whole weekend there if you want my love.
Guy: What about the wedding?
Girl: Which wedding, I was joking...
Guy: Me too...
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"BECAUSE........... I forgot where I put it!!!"
Two little boys stole a bag of mangoes from their neighbor and decided to go to a calm place to share the loot.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 mangoes fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
Few minuets latter a drunkard on his way from a local bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice: "One for me, one for you."One for me, one for you."
He immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the local priest.
"Father father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery."
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, one for you...
Suddenly the voice stop counting and says: "Hey, What about the two at the gate?"
The priest and the drunkard took to their heels shouting, "We are not dead yet... we are not dead yet... we are not dead yet..."
There was this robbery in Bank.. The robber shouted to everyone : "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
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One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
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When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count?? Tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
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After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".
This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
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The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
This is called "Killing Boredom -> Happiness is most important."
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The next day, TV news reported that 100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million, the bank manager took 80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,HHH the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?
LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY!
For some reason people think Lawyers are sooooooooo smart.
This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .
A lawyer purchased a box of 24 of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me...)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA .......
NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS
Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!
Husband: Kitchen, living room, dining room, patio, dishes
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for "parking."
He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
"Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes. >=)
This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it.
Women should not have children after 35!
Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!"
They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very little experience in the matter.
I don't care what the doctor says.
I don't care what your friends say.
I don't even care what your pastor says.
Women should not have children after 35!
I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it,
and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it."
You can quote me on this. If you want to say that I said it. And I said it more than once.
"Women should not have children after 35!"
Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by what I said.
You may disagree with me, that I am your right.
I still stand firm on the issue.
With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue.
If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change
but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception.
Women should not have children after 35!
35 children are enough!
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
