Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched."
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are named Leroy."
"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.
"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply. "Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath. "Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.
Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.
"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last name."
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
“I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and
move them as though he were riding a bicycle,” he explained.
“Now begin!”
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
“Why did you stop. Smith?” demanded the officer.
“If you please, sir,” said Smith, “I’m freewheeling for a while.”
This guy's father dies, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father.
The man gets really sick the day of the funeral, however, and is unable to attend.
The next day, he gets a bill for $16,000. He pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too.
Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, "I keep getting these bills for $85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already."
The undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux."
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno..." the ugly man says. "Never found the head!"
A successful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoof beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.
"Hold it neighbor" says the man, "I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting... We'll have a great time."
Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"
"Aw, it don't matter," replied the neighbor, "Only gonna be two of us."
