1- Buff your mouse pad
2- Make a list of other things to download
3- Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
4- Count to 500 in "click" language
5- Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)
6- Do a push-up for every blue bar on the progress meter
11% Done!
7- Name the presidents
8- Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
9- Re lace your shoes
10- Read every classified listing for "Programmers"
11- Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
12- Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection
23% Done!
13- Fill out all of your registration cards - in triplicate
14- Alphabetize your diskettes
15- Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
16- Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together
17- Update your potential password list
32% Done!
18- Cut your fingernails
19- See how may other words you can make from "download"
20- Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
21- Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
22- Time to windex that monitor again!
44% Done!
23- Might as well balance the old checkbook
24- Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
25- Weed out the rolodex
26- Buff the mouse pad -- oops, already did that!
27- French braid (optional)
52% Done!
28- "This would be a good time to register your software" (done that!)
29- De-kid proof the butane lighter
30- Reconsider your $500 E-Bay bid for a "Collector's" XT computer
31- Solitaire
32- Solitaire round 2
33- Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)
34- Alright, just one (more) beer
65% Done!
35- Think of good domain names to pre-buy
36- Practice writing; with your other hand
67% Done!
37- Attempt to change hair color, with your pen
38- Re-label file folders in all caps
39- Penny rolls, penny rolls, penny rolls
73% Done!
40- Color code your extra cables
78% Done!
41- Find all celebrities that share your birth date
83% Done!
42- Wadded-paper basketball to 100!
94% Done!
43- 100 sit ups
98% Done!
Get ready....
Salivate...
Connection Terminated - Start Over!
44- Find a pistol...
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"
A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead.
Suddenly, the bird dropped a load when it was directly over him.
The Sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
A Teacher lecturing on population:
"In India after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid."
A Sardar stands up- "We must find and stop her!."
