Guess who's my fiancee

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female
friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

The man with two *********

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two *********."
"What, he had two *********???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two *********. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two *********."

Al Gore: Funny quotes

"Former Vice President Al Gore has purchased his own cable television channel. It's going to be the Al Gore TV network. He said it's going to be a lot like C-SPAN, but less exciting." --David Letterman

"As the presumptive Democratic nominee, Kerry is protected by the secret service. I don't want to say Kerry is boring, but his secret service code name is Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." --Craig Kilborn

"President Bush's dog Spot passed away ... so they took Spot back to the ranch in Texas ... and buried him next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman

"Howard Dean dropped out.
Let's face it, Dean never recovered from that unforgettable disaster in the beginning: Al Gore's endorsement." --Craig Kilborn

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." --Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman

"In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President Bush to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign." --Jay Leno

"Today, on the coldest day in over 50 years, Al Gore gave a speech attacking President Bush on global warming. Good timing Al. ... First he grew a beard right before the terrorist attacks -- that was smart. Now he is talking about global warming in the middle of winter. What's next -- cutting the ribbon at the Michael Jackson Daycare Center?" --Jay Leno

"Today is President's Day. Or, as Al Gore calls it, Monday." --David Letterman

"Political experts feel that (Al Gore) would be the best Democratic candidate to beat George Bush in 2004. There are three reasons for this. Number one, he has the experience. Two, he has the intelligence. And three, he's already beaten Bush." --David Letterman

"It was revealed this week that a shadow government of seventy-five senior officials has been living and working in secret bunkers in the event that the nation's capital is attacked. This is not to be confused with the pretend government that Al Gore has been running in his basement for the last year." --Tina Fey

"A new survey found that 62 percent think Al Gore looks better without his beard. Not only that, 92 percent of Americans think the beard looks better without Al Gore." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen the new Al Gore? He's wearing a beard. He's hoping that the rabbi look will help him next time in Florida." --David Letterman

"Al Gore has been criticizing President Bush the last few days. Yesterday, Gore said that the economy is bad and Bush is a lost driver that won't pull over to ask for directions. Gore says that he knows the directions because he has been spending his time working as a gas station attendant." --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say that Osama bin Laden has shaved off his beard and his laying low plotting his revenge. No, wait a minute, that's what they're saying about Al Gore." --David Letterman

"President Bush today was hammering nails in 100 degree heat -- God bless him -- down in Texas at one of those Habitat for Humanity projects. This is a terrific group. They build houses. He was building a home for an unemployed man. I tell you, Al Gore really appreciated it." --Jay Leno

"Coming up Monday is the 100th day of the George Bush administration. I want to tell you now, things are starting to look very, very dark for the Al Gore campaign. Very, very bleak." --David Letterman

"How many of you remember Vice President Gore? Well he teaches this class up at Columbia University and he invited me to go up there and take this class with him. So I went up there and the first half hour we took questions from the students and then the rest of the class we counted ballots from Florida. Then after class he says to me, 'Come with me Dave.' So we go into the cafeteria and I have to sit there with Al Gore for an hour while he tells me how he would have handled this whole China situation." --David Letterman

"Remember Al Gore? He was Vice President for a little while. Now, he is teaching school at Columbia, teaching a journalism class. Since the election the guy has put on 40 pounds. It's gotten so bad that every time he turns around, his ass erases the blackboard. ... He got on the scales today and demanded a recount." --David Letterman

"Al Gore is back in the news. You haven't thought about Al Gore in a while. Don't feel guilty about it. Al Gore has put on 40 pounds since losing the election and experts contribute this to depression. That's right. In a related story, Michael Dukakis now weighs 12,000 pounds." --Conan O'Brien

"He's so fat, Clinton is thinking of hitting on him." --from David Letterman's "Top Ten Responses To The Question, 'How Fat Is Al Gore?'"

"It's kind of ironic. He always wanted to distance himself from Bill Clinton. Now that he's out of politics and overweight, he is Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"This George W. Bush, in the latest poll his approval rating has dropped seven points. Finally, a glimmer of hope for the Al Gore campaign." --David Letterman

Meat for comrades

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet  Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!"

Marketing concepts explained

Professor at a business school explaining marketing concepts to Students

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

Comedihens horsepital

Where do you take sick ponies?
To the horsepital!

What do you say if you see a flying pig?
'I see bacon's going up'!

Who tells chicken jokes?
Comedihens!

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?
A swine gut!

How do you become a daddy?

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”