A Somalian arrives in Australia as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........ 'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Afgani!' The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!' The person says, 'I not Australian, I Iraqi!' The new arrival walks further and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Australia! 'That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan, I am not from Australia!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian?' She says, 'No, I am from India!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?' The Indian lady checks her watch and says .. . 'Probably at work'.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Mecedes I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?" The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him quickly with that blanket before he catches cold!!"
*A father passing* by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:- *Dear Dad*, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (*anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?* ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! *Don't worry Dad*, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. *Your loving daughter*, Rosie. At the bottom of the page were the letters " *PTO*". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read: PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. *I love you*! Your loving daughter, Rosie
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." --Elmo Phillips
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie, or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? . . . . . . . I'm starving."
Once I was asked by my Friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?" I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems." He asked, "Can you explain?" I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions." Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples" I said," Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator , monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc etc.... are decided by my wife. I just agree to it" He asked, "Then what is your role?" I said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran , whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe , whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc etc and Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER, NEVER, NEVER interferes in Any of these".
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your Assets; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand somewhere inappropriate; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
