Lady says to pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?"
Pharmacist replies: "Cause that's all we've documented so far."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I be glad to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
She nodded and accepted the risk. "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer was rather strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
It took a moment for the customs man to absorb the statement, but once he did he had a hard time keeping a straight face as he called out, "Next!"
“Hello?”
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy busy?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “
Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, ! just a minute.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and! I think he’s dead.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, ! “Swimming pool? . . .
Is this 486-5731?”
Claire has been trying to teach her Grandma about knock-knock jokes. It's been rather hilarious. This is how their latest conversation went...
Claire: Knock-knock!
Grandma: Come on in!
Claire: No, Grandma. YOU say, "Who's there?"
Grandma: Why do I say "Who's there?" Why not "Come on in"?
Claire: Because that's not how the joke goes, Grandma. Let's try again. Knock-knock!
Grandma: (says nothing)
Claire: You say, "Who's there?"
Grandma: Who's there?
Claire: Boo!
Grandma: (says nothing)
Claire: You say, "Boo-who?" Let's start over. Knock-knock!
Grandma: Come on in!
Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back
together they discussed their success and the great gifts they
were able to buy their elderly mother.
“The first son said, “I sent mom a Mercedes.”
The second son said, “I bought mom a mansion.”
The third son smirked and said, “I’ve got you both BEAT!
Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were
young? And you know she can’t see very well anymore?…
Well, I sent her an AMAZING parrot that recites the ENTIRE Bible!
It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot.
He’s one of a kind!! Mom now just has to name the verse
and BAM… the parrot recites it!”
Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters.
“Andy,” she wrote, “the house you built is so big and even though
I live in one room, I still have to clean the whole house.”
“John,” she wrote, “I am too old to travel and spend most of my
time at home, so I never use the Mercedes.
“Mark,” she wrote to her third son, “You are my favorite son.
You have such good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was simply delicious!”
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
"Is your advertising getting results?" asked one business owner.
"It sure is," moaned the second owner.
"Last week we advertised for a night watchman … and the next night we were robbed."
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