A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too
A family is driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
Banta feared his wife Preeto wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, Preeto is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Banta was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let"s see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
No response.
Banta moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from Preeto and repeats, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Preeto and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
For God's sake, Banta ji, for the FIFTH time, "BIRYANI!"
Phone rings...
Girl: Hello.
Guy: My love how are you doing?
Girl: Am fine.
Guy: Will you be free during the weekend, you come to my house?
Girl: Am sorry, I can't make it because I will be attending my aunt's wedding and the next day I'l be busy, I'm so occupied.
Guy: Oh! Ok, was just planning to take you out for shopping, surprise you with an iPhone5, then buy you a new dress and the brazzilian hair you've been asking for...
Girl: I will be coming and I may even spend the whole weekend there if you want my love.
Guy: What about the wedding?
Girl: Which wedding, I was joking...
Guy: Me too...
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"BECAUSE........... I forgot where I put it!!!"
Two little boys stole a bag of mangoes from their neighbor and decided to go to a calm place to share the loot.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 mangoes fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
Few minuets latter a drunkard on his way from a local bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice: "One for me, one for you."One for me, one for you."
He immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the local priest.
"Father father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery."
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, one for you...
Suddenly the voice stop counting and says: "Hey, What about the two at the gate?"
The priest and the drunkard took to their heels shouting, "We are not dead yet... we are not dead yet... we are not dead yet..."
