As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband.
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at his priest and calmly said, "Sounds like SHE has been told where to go."
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80 year old man in the water, who rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that such a white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery.
That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.
He said, "Once I was in the water, it was no big deal. But I sure am curious about who pushed me overboard."
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Whys that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
It was my first time ever
And I’ll never forget
I’d do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow…
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn’t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure”. He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God!
“You even sent me a Professional!”
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticked. I called him a "Nazi".
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "Doughnut-Eating Gestapo".
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, "Hillary in '08".
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six–four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to say “She’ll be right mate” and one to fetch the beers.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say “Good on yer, mate!”
Q: How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.
Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
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