The preacher’s Sunday sermon was, “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three.” She replied.
“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, “It’s easy, I just outlived all those bitches.
A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 minutes.
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.
A farmer got in his pickup truck and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 yrs old opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
A vicar was playing golf with a friend who missed a three foot shot saying "dammit, missed the bugger." at which the vicar tutted.
At the next hole he missed again and said "dammit missed the bugger."
The vicar turned on him saying "if you swear again God will send down a thunderbolt and strike you down."
At the next hole John missed a two putt and cursed "dammit missed the bugger."
Seconds later the heavens opened, there was a loud clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning struck the vicar.
"Dammit, missed the bugger." God said.
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read jokes with their hand on the mouse.
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Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late... .
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffer ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one dollar.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in. We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Then Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
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