"The best way to
win an argument is to begin by being right."
-- Jill Ruckelshaus
DAY 752-My captors
continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow
I may eat another house plant.
DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm must try this with their baby...
Mother cat with
several kittens are walking in the park when a handsome Tom cat walks by and says, "Hi, Honey."
Mother cat says, "Don't you 'Honey' me! You said we were only fighting!"
A fellow who's just
reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media.
"Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150?"
"It's actually quite simple," the old fellow replied. "I just never argue."
"That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!"
The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.
"Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe, you're right."
"You can't have
everything... where would you put it?"
-- Stephen Wright
Two golden-agers were
discussing their husbands over lunch.
"I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
My Fred used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"Really, how?" asked the first woman.
"Easy, I hid his teeth."
Three old couples were
having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the
men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!”
Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man
said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so
the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two,
decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his
throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"
By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done three finalists remained. Richard, Sam and Jane were to be given a final test. For the final test, the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife, sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"
Richard said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Sam came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally it was Jane's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Jane, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with a chair."
It was Sunday morning when Bill, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go nail the first deer of the season.
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Judy, sitting there, fully decked out in camouflage overalls.
Bill asks her, "Ummm, What are you up to?"
Judy smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Bill, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Two hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside the city.
Bill sets his overly anxious wife up safely in the deer stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant.... much less a deer. Not 15 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a breakout of gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back.
As Bill gets closer to her stand, he hears Judy screaming, "Get away from my damn deer!"
Confused and frightened Bill races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her scream, "Get away from my fu#&in deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now, within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your fu#&in deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
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