Fighting Nuns

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Tricking the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Banking Logic

Are we too trusting with our bankers as many of whom are crooks? That is a good question we should all be asking the bankers...

 

Here's one about the old native American who went to a bank for a loan for $500...

 

 

The bank's chief cashier pulled out the loan application, "What are  you going to do with the loan money?"

 

"Make jewellery and take it to city and sell it," was the response.

 

"What have you got for collateral?"

 
"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.

 

Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

 

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

However, finally the banker decided to sanction the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out  several rolls of $ 100 bills, "Here to pay back," he said. He then handed the banker only the money to pay his loan off.

 

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

 

"Keep in my teepee."

 

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the cashier asked.

"Don't know deposit."

 

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk,

"What you got for collateral?"

Dying of thirst!

David and Willson were lost in desert...they were dying of thirst when they came upon an oasis, and there was a Mosque.

David to Willson:
"Look there is a mosque, lets pretend we are muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or water...I am going to call myself 'Ahmad". Willson refused to change his name and said:
"my name is Willson and i will never pretend to be other than but what I am!"
...
The Imam of mosque recieved both well and asked their names...

David:
am Ahmad

Willson:
am Willson

Imam turned to his helpers and said:
"bring some food for Willson only"

And then Imam turned towards David and said:
"Ramdan Mubarak Brother Ahmad!"

Wristwatch or grandfather clock?

A little old man in the city, living in an apartment on the tenth floor of an urban apartment building, had an antique grandfather clock. This particular clock was unusually large, and he had owned it for a long time and was naturally very fond of it. But, the grandfather clock stopped running, and he couldn't get a repairman to come to his apartment to fix it. A clock repairman down the street said he'd fix it, but that he didn't make house calls. And so, the old man made an appointment to have his clock fixed.

He moved the clock from the apartment to the hall, barely getting it through the small door of his apartment. Then he carried it down the hall, stopping every ten feet to rest, until he reached the elevator. This was the easy part, but when he got to the lobby, he encountered the revolving front doors. After struggling with the clock for half an hour, he finally got it to the street. Then he struggled down the street with it, again stopping every ten feet or so to rest.

As luck would have it, there was a bar between his apartment building and the clock repair shop. He tried to time his rest stops to where he didn't block the entrance to any shop, but it was his bad fortune to be lugging the heavy clock past the bar when the bartender threw a drunk through the door and right into him. The old man was knocked to the ground, as was his clock, and ended up in a pile with the drunk who'd just been tossed from the bar . . . and the pieces of his clock. In his dispair, the old man took off a shoe and started beating the drunk in the head with it, saying over and over, "You damed old drunk, look what you've done. You're ruined my priceless clock."

The drunk, trying to fend off the old man's shoe attack, finally mumbled the words, "Well, shit! Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everybody else?"

Infrequent sex

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............

"Is that one word or two?"

Fathead

A man and his son walk into an ice cream parlor. The man orders a vanilla cone, looks at his son, slaps him on the back of the head and asks, “What do you want, Fathead?”

The guy at the counter is appalled. He questions the man on his actions, to which the man replies, “There are three things a man wants in life:

1. A big truck. You see that truck out there? Biggest damn truck in town;

2. A nice house. I got the nicest house in the county; and

3) A tight woman.

Had me one of those too, until Fathead here came along…”