One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour.
"Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner."
The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success.
Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side.
"How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?"
The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"
A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear.
She says to the doctor, "I don't feel good."
The doctor replies, "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!"
What is Santa's favorite candy?
Jolly Ranchers!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
What did the big telephone say to the small telephone?
"You're too small to be engaged!"
A teen aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend,
"I don't really like to dress like this but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet", said the boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
He’s a little ticked off, so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon, and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks.
"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week. i saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk".
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You gonna tell him or should I".
Mother: “Did you eat all the biscuits, Peter?”
Peter: “I didn’t touch one.”
Mother: “That’s strange. There’s only one left.”
Peter: “That’s the one I didn’t touch.”
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
“Sure, it’s fine,” my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. “Why do you ask?”
The daughter explained, “Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!”
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.
To encourage him, his teacher said, "You will know you are really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I do not know," the boy replied; "I could not understand them."
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don t want to go out there. It s dark!"
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don t have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He ll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he is out there?"
"Yes, I m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you re out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Teacher: Do you know the importance of period?
Student : Yah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom.
Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
Kids in the backseats of cars make accidents,
but accidents in the backseats of cars make kids.
