Punishment for swearing

A vicar was playing golf with a friend who missed a three foot shot saying "dammit, missed the bugger." at which the vicar tutted.

At the next hole he missed again and said "dammit missed the bugger."

The vicar turned on him saying "if you swear again God will send down a thunderbolt and strike you down."

At the next hole John missed a two putt and cursed "dammit missed the bugger."

Seconds later the heavens opened, there was a loud clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning struck the vicar.

"Dammit, missed the bugger." God said.

Grapes loving duck!

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"