A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”
“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets the money?
The old drunk, of course.
The other three are mythological creatures.
Satan was complaining bitterly to God: "You made the world so that it was not fair."
And God said, "Yes."
"And you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes."
And God said, "Yes."
"Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault."
And God said, "Uh huh. So?"
"Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And so God created lawyers.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
One day, a magnificent young lawyer was defending a criminal case in favor of the accused. He fought with such verve, passion and expertise that the judge found the case to his favor and acquitted the lawyer’s client.
The magnificent young lawyer’s boss subsequently sent him a fax asking, “So, how was the case?”
Feeling pleased with himself and his great victory, the magnificent young lawyer faxed back and replied, “Justice triumphed.”
His boss called him up and said, “APPEAL IMMEDIATELY!!!”
When taking a lawyer’s picture, what is the one word that a photographer can say to make the lawyer smile?
“Okay Attorney, say “FEES!”
There was once this idealistic, young, good-looking and magnificent new lawyer that recently passed the Bar and he was offered to join this large law firm, because he had so much magnificent potential.
So the law firm made him all the fancy offers… a new car, a million peso acceptance bonus, a condominium in Makati… yadda yadda yadda.
But the lawyer was so idealistic that he told the firm: “Thank you for your offers but I must know… what is your firm’s policy on pro bono cases?”
The firm partners looked very serious and asked the new lawyer for some time to discuss the matter.
The partners got together in a huddle and debated and argued and discussed the matter. After an hour of this, one of the partners finally could take it no longer and approached the young lawyer.
He said: “Uhm… what’s pro bono?”
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, makes way for a butcher shop and steals a leg of ham.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”
“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense…
Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What for?”
Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign “
Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”
Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says: “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I
could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
The devil visited a lawyers office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said "I'll increase your income five-fold, your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months vacation every year and will live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in Hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "Whats the catch?" he asked.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued..and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance co. that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be an "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance co. accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the loss of his cigars.
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance co. had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine!
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW."
Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree.
He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.
"I win!" said Johnson.
Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
