Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.
The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
The second see's what happens and says, "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.
Finally, the third blonde says, "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
Showing posts with label blond jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blond jokes. Show all posts
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat”.
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery.”
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
“Sweetheart, work with me on this,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says: "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks: "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says: "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says: "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh,........... . "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
A blonde got a fishing rod for her birthday and decided to go ice fishing. So, early the next morning, she got all her gear and headed out. When she reached her destination she cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said, “There’re no fish in there”.
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish there. So she moves again and the voice tells her there are no fish there.
So she looks up and see’s a man looking down at her. “How do you know there are no fish there?”
So the man coolly says “Well first of all this is a hockey rink and you’re going to have to pay for those holes.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t.
The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness—when to her great luck, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"
After a big fight with his blonde wife, a man walks into his bedroom to find her sitting on the bed holding a gun to her own head. At the sight of this, the man begins laughing.
“What are you laughing about?” she says, “You’re next!”
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop.
The redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”
Replies the redhead, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde thinks a bit and says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!"
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "Can you tell us your height, please?" She stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. Then she traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!".
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the blonde, That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'
A group of Blonds are trying to prove they are not stupid. So one blond goes up and the dark haired man asks the blonds what is the sum of two plus three, the blond replies four. The blond crowd shouts give her another chance.
So dark haired man asks the blonds again what is the sum of two plus three, the blond replies six. The blond crowd shouts give her another chance.
So dark haired man asks the blonds again what is the sum of two plus three, the blond replies five. The blond crowd shouts give her another chance.
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
A blond went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."
A traffic cop out on patrol for the first time stops a Speeding sports car. Inside is an attractive young blond Woman. The cop asks for identification and the girl says she has no identification on her at all. Unsure of what to do the cop radios for advice.
"Just stick your cock through the window." he is told.
"Are you sure?" he asks.
"Yes, just stick your cock through the window."
So the cop goes back to the car and sticks his cock through the window.
"Oh no!" says the blond. "Not another Breathalyzer test!"
Two blond men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blond replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Subscribe to:
Comment Feed (RSS)
