I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen
Showing posts with label funny quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny quotes. Show all posts
"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"
"There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in."
"Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair."
"He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face." -on Ronald Reagan
"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford -- an actor and a stuntman."
"You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?"
"Read my lips: No new promises." -on George H.W. Bush
On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues."
"Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?"
"Only lie about the future." -giving advice to politicians
"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." - Johnny Carson
“There’s a reason they call it space. If there was something there, they’d call it stuff." - Joey Kola on massive spending on the space program
“My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese ... as if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.” - Jimmy Carr
“I’m so paranoid about my kids being grabbed by someone that I only let my daughter hang out with better-looking kids.” - Kenny Robinson
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” - Zach Galifianakis
“This is the first year Canada Customs gets guns. Next year they get bullets.” - Jazz Mann
“I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box, so I wrote ‘Free Tibet’.” - Mike DiStefano
“Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?” - Jimmy Carr
“My wife thinks a B&B is a romantic getaway. I think it’s creepy, sharing coffee with strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before.” - Tom Papa
“There are no good roles for Indians in Hollywood, unless you’re shooting at Jack Bauer or looking for White Castle.” - Mark Saldana
“What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No — that’s a lie promoted by the bears.” - Eugene Mirman
“Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love. That’s why I no longer eat raisins.” - Zach Galifianakis
“I’m living with a crazy midget. Crazy people talk to themselves, laugh at their own jokes and s--t themselves. That’s my son.” - Jo Koy
"President Bush said that even though Rafael Palmeiro apparently lied to Congress about taking steroids he's a friend and he is standing by him. After hearing this Karl Rove started wolfing down steroids." --Jay Leno
"President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Congress investigating steroids. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Ted Kennedy asking somebody how their head got so big." —Jay Leno
"Congress is investigating steroid use in baseball. Apparently we've cured cancer and all the other problems of the world so now were starting on this one." --Jay Leno
"Congress today conducted an under cover investigation of steroids in baseball. Their conclusion -- the Chicago Cubs are just months away from getting nuclear weapons." --Craig Ferguson
"There's a congressional committee now investigating steroid use in Major League Baseball and so far they have subpoenaed a bunch of folks to testify about the use of steroids -- Jason Giambi, subpoenaed; Sammy Sosa, subpoenaed; Curt Schilling, subpoenaed; Janet Reno, subpoenaed." --David Letterman
"Congressman Davis says the investigation may not end with baseball. [Clip of 'Meet' with Russert: 'What authority does your committee have? Could you look into drugs in Hollywood, drugs in the music industry?' Davis: 'Rule Ten, clause 4C2 gives us the ability to hold a hearing on any matter at any time.] Any matter at any time? Enron, Halliburton, no WMDs, Abu Ghraib? And you went with baseball? Way to go." --Jon Stewart
"Congress has asked several current and former baseball players to testify before them this week about the steroid scandal but only two players have said they'll show up. Apparently the others players don't have the balls." --Craig Ferguson
"How many folks saw the congressional hearings on steroids? I like this. One congressman said baseball can't be trusted. And I thought well, no, not like we trust Congress." --David Letterman
Senate Republicans are so committed to keeping this women alive that as a last ditch tactic today they subpoenaed her because it is a federal crime to harm someone who is called to testify before Congress. They said they didn't think she'd be a great witness but she had to be better then Mark McGwire." --Bill Maher
"McGwire refused to say whether he ever took steroids but I think he did because, as he was leaving, one of his tits fell out of his suit." --Bill Maher
"The congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English." --Amy Poehler
"Sammy Sosa was adamant, he said I have never used performance enhancing drugs. But then he said, I probably had to be on acid when I came up with that lip salute thing." --Bill Maher
"Congress is asking baseball players to testify about steroids. Asked about the steroid problem President Bush said 'I just use a little preparation H.'" --Craig Ferguson
"Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book out. It’s a tell-all autobiography in which he claims he injected his former teammate -- superstar Mark McGwire -- with steroids. He also claims that President Bush, who was then a co-owner of the Texas Rangers, was aware of steroid use among players. A White House spokesperson says Bush was not aware of it -- nor was he aware of most anything during the early '90s. Mark McGwire vehemently denies the accusation – he got so angry when he heard about it, he picked up his house and threw it onto the freeway." --Jimmy Kimmel
"In his new book, baseball slugger Jose Conseco said he took steroids when he played for the Texas Rangers, and that owner George W. Bush knew all about it. In response President Bush said that's ridiculous. I've never known all about anything." --Conan O'Brien
"Senator John McCain thinks that Congress may have to step in to control the use of steroids in sports. The Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig agrees. Is this congress’ number one priority now? Baseball players. Did we win the war? How about global warming. Have we fixed that already?" --Jay Leno
"The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration."
Jay Leno, host of "The Tonight Show on NBC," had a joke about India's election of Pratibha Patil as president during his monologue on July 24, 2007.
"India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer."
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
-Milton Berle
I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said,“There was water in the carburetor.”
I asked her, “Where’s the car?”
She replied, “In the lake.”
-Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.” — Henny Youngman
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together that you wouldn’t have had in the first place if you’d stayed single.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is leaving unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The Roman numerals for 40 are " XL."
When you put the words "the" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep." - Anonymous
“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” - Agatha Christie
"Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep." - Albert Camus
“Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back” - Anonymous
“A rich man's joke is always funny” - Thomas Browne, Sr.
* Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
* By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
* I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
* My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
* Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
* What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. - Henny Young
* Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
* Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
* I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope
* We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
* Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape!
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"
"The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible."
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love."
"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother."
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat."
"When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!"
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY."
"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
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