God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, “God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”
“Oh, is that so? Explain…” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s very interesting… show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. “No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
Showing posts with label religious jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religious jokes. Show all posts
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
Father O'Malley looked out the window at his Texas mission and noticed a jackass lying dead in the middle of the front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
"Good morning, this is Sgt. Jones. How might I help you?"
"This is Father O'Malley at St. Mary's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple of yer lads over to take care of the matter?"
Sgt. Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied, "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
"'Tis certainly true," said Father O'Malley, "but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
The mother superior of a convent was worried. She called her community of nuns together and said: “Sisters, I have grave news. We have found a case of Gonorrhea here in our convent…”
“Thank The Lord,” came the cry from one of the older members of the community. “I’m getting sick of Chardonnay!”
The Pope and one of the Cardinals were sitting around doing crossword puzzles.
The Pope says, “Can you think of a four-letter word meaning ‘woman’ that ends with the letters, U-N-T?”
The Cardinal thinks for a moment. “Why yes, father. That would be ‘AUNT’”
The Pope laughs, “YES! Of course! …ha ha ha…” (pause) “Got an eraser?”
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, “Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won’t light up.”
The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill.
Santa gasps, “$350 dollars! You didn’t do anything for my Rudolph and you’re charging me $350 dollars?”
The vet shrugged and replied, “That’s the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN.”
Three monks are meditating far from the madding crowd, in the Himalayas.
One year passed in silence, and one of them says to the others,
“Pretty cold here.”
Another year passes and the second monk says,
“You know, you’re quite right.”
Another year passes and the third monk says,
“Hey, I’m going to leave unless you two stop jabbering.”
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. “Oh look” says the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser.”
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second
bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells.
“Holy Mary , Mother of God, hand lotion too!”
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me."
"And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
"And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration!
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