The boss was sympathetic when his secretary said she needed some time off because her husband died. Several weeks later she approached him again, requesting more time off.
When he asked why, she said she was getting married. In spite of himself, he said "But your husband's only been dead about a month."
She smiled and replied, "Yeah, I know... but with the cost of food and rent these days, I can't afford to hold a grudge for very long."
Showing posts with label wife jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wife jokes. Show all posts
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Wife sends husband, a coder, to the grocery and says "Ok, buy two sausages and if they will have eggs, buy ten".
Coder goes to the shop and asks "Do you have eggs".
"Yes".
"Ok, so I want 10 sausages".
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
10.
Q: What's the difference between civil and mechanical engineers?
A: A mechanical engineer builds weapons, a civil engineer builds targets.
9.
A mathematician tells a colleague his wife just had a baby.
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Yes."
8.
I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!
7.
Q: How much force does it take to stop a propeller?
A: About half a Newton.
6.
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
5.
One night, there're sin, tan and cos together around a campfire, while e^x is all by himself. When someone asks him why he isn't wit the other, e^x says: "I tried to integrate myself, but nothing ever happens."
4.
Q: Let's say only you and dead people can read hex. If you teach your buddy how to read hex also, what do you all have in common?
A: You are all deaf.
3.
A cop pulls over Dr. Heisenberg and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Dr. Heisenberg responds, "NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am"
2.
Ascii stupid question, get a stupid Ansi!
1.
How do you tell an extrovert engineer from an introvert?
An extrovert engineer will look at your shoes when he talks to you.
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
JACK was having a lousy day at work, so he decided to call it quits and go home early ... and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
Furious, he hauled him out of the bed, landed a right uppercut, threw him down the stairs, then picked him up by the scruff of his neck and threw him out the front door.
His wife fixed him with a baleful glare. "You know," she said, "If you carry on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."
A man is making love to his best friend's wife when they hear the husband's car in the driveway. He dives into the closet.
The husband comes in, goes to the closet to hang up his jacket, sees his friend standing there naked, and says, "Lenny, what are you doing here?"
Lenny sheepishly shrugs and says, "Everybody's gotta be somewhere."
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher
A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man.
“What are you doing?” he yells.
“See?” the wife says to her lover. “I told you he was dumb.”
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
-Milton Berle
I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said,“There was water in the carburetor.”
I asked her, “Where’s the car?”
She replied, “In the lake.”
-Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: “You can have mine.”
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