Eileen and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to John and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,"
explained the lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled."
My husband quietly said
'That's once.'
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said,
'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said
'That's once.'"
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".
JACK was having a lousy day at work, so he decided to call it quits and go home early ... and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
Furious, he hauled him out of the bed, landed a right uppercut, threw him down the stairs, then picked him up by the scruff of his neck and threw him out the front door.
His wife fixed him with a baleful glare. "You know," she said, "If you carry on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."
A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man.
“What are you doing?” he yells.
“See?” the wife says to her lover. “I told you he was dumb.”
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
A husband and wife are watching “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,” and the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…”
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?”
The wife says yes.
The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter. Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them. Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
“What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied,
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A wife asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables.
He went to the supermarket, but couldn't find any on the shelves. So he asked an elderly male employee: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"
The employee said: "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
A husband was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse is on the phone"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Husband asks , “Do you know the meaning of WIFE??
It means-”Without Information Fighting Every time”
Wife replies,” No, It means- “With Idiot For Ever !!!”
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. "Whew," I thought, "got away with that one!"
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!" cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…“Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh, shit! It's so late, my wife's going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams, "You @&$*!% liar! You went bowling again!!!"
