Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby’s mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn’t true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Bobby’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner", Bobby’s mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I’VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE
Calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
1) If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2) Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3) The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him.
4) Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5) A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6) If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.
7) Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
8) A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9) Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10) Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
11) Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.
12) Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
13) There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14) Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent - but they make great pets.
15) Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16) There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"..
17) Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
Speaking of spelling, here's a news bulletin ........
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."
During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.''
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.
One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''
The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'''
Seamus was walking along the coast of Galway early one morning with a bit of a sore head when he tripped over something in the sand. Reaching down, he picked up a lamp and starting rubbing it. There was a huge crack of thunder, an awesome amount of smoke, and lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"Mornin' boyo," said the genie. "For releasing me from two thousand years of bondage, I'll be grantin' ya three wishes."
"Isn't this grand," said Seamus. "Can I have a pint of Guinness?"
"Sure of course ye can," said the genie. And poof! a pint appeared in Seamus's hand. Seamus starting sipping away at the pint. "For the love o' Jaysus, this has to be the best pint I've ever been tasting."
"Of course it is," said the genie. "I'm an Irish genie, after all, and I do know a bit about pints. Now, let's get on with business. You've got two more wishes left, and I haven't got all day!"
"Now just be bidin' yer time," said Seamus. "I want to enjoy me pint."
"Ah," said the genie. "That's a magic pint."
"And what do ye be meanin' by that?" asked Seamus.
"Well," said the genie, "as soon as it's done, it'll fill right back up again just as good as the first."
"Is that so," said Seamus, finishing off the pint. Sure enough, back up it came, and when he tasted it, it really was every bit as good.
"Now," said the genie, "about those other two wishes?"
"Ah," said Seamus, "I'll have two more o' these!"
