Israelis invented a machine that catches thieves;
they took it out to different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 30 thieves;
In UK, in 30 minutes it caught 50 thieves;
In Spain, in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves;
In Ghana, in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves;
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In India, in 15 minutes the machine was stolen !!!!!!!!!
(with Government connivance.)
An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street. His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college. She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address.
That morning, one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.
Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."
In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but off course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.
"Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"
"Sure, dad," said the boy.
A Russian visiting India goes for an eye check up
The Eye Doctor shows the letters 'CZWXNQSTACZ' to the Russian.
Doctor:-Can you read this?
Russian:- Read? I even know the guy!
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.
She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"
A man died and went up to heaven where he was greeted by St. Peter.
"And who are you?" asked St. Peter.
"My name is Steven Richards."
"And what did you do for a living?" asked St. Peter.
"I was unemployed."
"Unemployed, hmmm?" mused St. Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"
"As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off his hair, kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."
"That's highly commendable," said St. Peter flicking through the man's file, "but I can't see any report of this incident. When did it happen?"
"About five minutes ago."
Eileen and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to John and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.
"Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Jimmy," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
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