A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first? Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her." The nun had to leave the room.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Here's one about the old native American who went to a bank for a loan for $500...
The bank's chief cashier pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the loan money?""Make jewellery and take it to city and sell it," was the response."What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral.""Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse.""How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."However, finally the banker decided to sanction the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out several rolls of $ 100 bills, "Here to pay back," he said. He then handed the banker only the money to pay his loan off."What are you going to do with the rest of that money?""Keep in my teepee.""Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the cashier asked.
"Don't know deposit.""You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk,"What you got for collateral?"
David and Willson were lost in desert...they were dying of thirst when they came upon an oasis, and there was a Mosque.
David to Willson:
"Look there is a mosque, lets pretend we are muslims, otherwise we'll
not get any food or water...I am going to call myself 'Ahmad". Willson
refused to change his name and said:
"my name is Willson and i will never pretend to be other than but what I am!"
...
The Imam of mosque recieved both well and asked their names...
David:
am Ahmad
Willson:
am Willson
Imam turned to his helpers and said:
"bring some food for Willson only"
And then Imam turned towards David and said:
"Ramdan Mubarak Brother Ahmad!"
