A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. “Hello there,” says the man, “and what is your name?”
“Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?”
“I’m Jim.”
“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??”
“Sure!” replies Jim, “Let’s go!”
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. “Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says.
“Yes? And what about it?” asks Stacey.
“Is it your brother?”
“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband.
When he finally asks, “Is it your husband?”
Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” Jim was relieved.
“Then, it must be your boyfriend!”
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!!”
“Then, who is it?” Jim asks.
Stacey replies, “That’s me BEFORE my operation!!”
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out that my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was that day the answer came back, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
Two sperm are swimming in a women’s body.
One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, “Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?”
The second sperm begins to laugh and says, “The uterus!? We just went past the esophagus.”
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear what it could be and suddenly.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably , the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”
He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many.
Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.”
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.
