There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, “Congratulations you’re the father of twins!”
He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, “Congratulations you’re the father of triplets”!
He says, “That’s cool! I work for 3M.”
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where’s the third father?”
One of the other fathers said, “Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, “Why?”
He replied, “He works for Seven Up!”
One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "
What happened to her? "
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "
The man calmly replied "Join the queue."
"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress." --Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman
"By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it?" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien
"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno
"There's a new rumor that Senator Hillary Clinton recently had some plastic surgery done. Friends of Hillary deny the rumor and say, 'Believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit
There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around.Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.
Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes,sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."
So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel.
He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel.
A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"
A Sardarji proposes to a woman.
She says "Yes, I'll marry only if you would bring me a pair of crocodile boots."
He sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is organized; they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one .
Sardarji walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"71st and still barefooted!"
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by."
"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt is riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me."
"And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
"And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
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