Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew, they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries.
The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
“No worries,” Jonah told them, “I’ll join you later and tell you what happened.”
After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score – 95-3.
“What?!”, they said, “How did you let them get three points?”
Jonah replied apologetically: “I was sent off with 20 minutes to go.”
Women asked a man who was traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
Husband asks , “Do you know the meaning of WIFE??
It means-”Without Information Fighting Every time”
Wife replies,” No, It means- “With Idiot For Ever !!!”
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £800. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "£60,000"
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £750,000"
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
Man: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years hey had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, Loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she Had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the Therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, Embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week….Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied; “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!
