Once I was asked by my Friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?" I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems." He asked, "Can you explain?" I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions." Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples" I said," Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator , monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc etc.... are decided by my wife. I just agree to it" He asked, "Then what is your role?" I said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran , whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe , whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc etc and Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER, NEVER, NEVER interferes in Any of these".
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your Assets; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand somewhere inappropriate; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need. P.G. Wodehouse
I have got this really hot neighbor. She's single...She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door ... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am in a really naughty mood! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet. ...... Ate the cookies........ Drank the milk..... Sh*t on the paper...... Screwed the other three cats........ Claimed he injured his back while doing so. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... Put in for Workers Compensation.................. and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave... AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Townsville and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call. "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now... Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?" He says, "Oh my God... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 0 to dial a Number outside the Hotel."
Dear Facebook, Just Wait, One Day They All Will Leave You Too! Sincerely, Orkut Dear Optimist, That's Not A Light At The End Of The Tunnel, But A Train! Sincerely, Pessimist Dear Icebergs, Sorry To Hear About Global Warming. Sincerely, Titanic Dear Yahoo, I've Never Heard Anyone Say, "I Don't Know, Let's Yahoo It!" Sincerely, Google
