The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere! "It has long been known" = I didn't look up the original reference. "A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless. "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = The other results didn't make any sense. "Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph. "These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "In my experience" = once. "In case after case" = twice. "In a series of cases" = thrice. "It is believed that" = I think. "It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too. "Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong. "According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it. "A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = A wild guess. "A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop. "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it. "After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either. "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant. "A highly significant area for exploratory study" = A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.
Results of a recent research show that there are 7 kinds of sex. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And, last, but not least: The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there". Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
I never take risk while drinking When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen I stealthily enter the house Take out the bottle from my black cupboard Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame But still no one is aware of it Becoz I never take a risk I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink Quickly enjoy one peg Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile I peep into the kitchen Wife is cutting potatoes No one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: Any news on chopra's daughter's marriage Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle I take out the glass from the old rack above sink Quickly enjoy one peg Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: But still I think chopra's daughter's age is not that much Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh... I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard But the cupboard's place has automatically changed I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard Wife is keeping the sink on the stove But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...! Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly... I take out the bottle from the potatoes Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg Wash the sink and keep it over the rack Wife is giving a smile Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!! Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face... I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack Stove is also on the rack There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink But none of the horses are aware of what I did Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk chopra is still cooking And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing Becoz I never take........what???
A brief History Of India - as written by Class- XI Student A BRIEF HISTORY OF INDIA... as written by a Class - X schoolboy, with all the original spellings. This guy is a genius!!! The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Darao. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them. Ancient India was full of myths, which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors. In olden times there were two big families in India. One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera Bharat Mahan. In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis. The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi, so they are calling it Door Darshan. After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side. Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt. This was called the swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles. In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootaoing our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis. Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian Parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand. So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark . At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in Parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag. Recently in India, there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. It can be dangerous because many people died of plaque in Surat. Scams are all over India. One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland. In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot. Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left, right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population."
Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey. Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Tying their belts" Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?" Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Checking the system" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Looking for my people" Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks" Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?" Monkey: "Serving the travelers" Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the steering" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Eating & throwing" Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading" Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?" Monkey: "Make up" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the steering" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Nothing" Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "All were sleeping" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the air hostess" Officer: What were you doing? Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! ! No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a
dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal
ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death
this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune
teller's lined face, then at the single flickering
candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune-
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her
question:
"Will I be found guilty?"
