A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
JACK wearily trudged into the house and laid down his bag of golf clubs. "How was your game, darling?" asked his wife, Betty.
"Ach, I was hitting the ball well enough," sighed Jack. "But the thing is, my eyesight's got so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well, you're 75 years old, Jack," said Betty. "You can't expect everything to be like it was. Why don't you take my brother Tommy along?" "But he's 85 and he doesn't play golf any more," protested Jack.
"No, but he's got perfect eyesight," Betty pointed out. "He can watch the ball for you."
So the next day, Jack teed off with Tommy looking on.
Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yep," Tommy answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I've forgotten," said Tommy.
Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store, a boy spotted a display of condoms. “Hey Dad, what’s a three-pack for?” asked the boy. “Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday,” replied the father.
“Then Dad, what’s a six-pack for?” asked the son.”That’s when she moves in with you.Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Then Dad, what’s a twelve-pack for?” “That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for … “
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
